


i could start again (you can depend on it)

by verynearlysouffled



Series: where my mixed up life could mend [2]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Episode AU: s12e10 The Timeless Children, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, One Shot, companion piece to the previous fic in the series, mostly written before revolution of the daleks aired but does include elements from it, technically pre-thasmin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:03:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28605672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/verynearlysouffled/pseuds/verynearlysouffled
Summary: Yaz’s very first instinct was that it was just another doppelgänger. Someone else with blonde hair trying to confuse her, even after all these years. The woman didn’t look back at her like a stranger though. Through wet, blonde hair, the woman was staring back with old, familiar eyes, and Yaz felt her heart plummet through her chest, the breath rushing out of her lungs.“Doctor?”She didn’t respond back.“Doctor?” Yaz repeated, stepping closer slowly. “It’s you, isn’t it? You’re not…”Dead. You’re not dead.OR.It has been fifteen years since the Doctor was presumed dead following the events on Gallifrey. Yaz has moved on with her life best as she could, but a call from her boss at Torchwood sends her on a mission that upends everything.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Series: where my mixed up life could mend [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1966582
Comments: 6
Kudos: 53





	i could start again (you can depend on it)

**Author's Note:**

> this is a companion piece to 'where my mixed up life can mend', and covers the exact same events, just from yaz's perspective. i started writing this before even posting that one, but it's been in a state of mostly complete for a few months now. with the new episode, i finally found the way to finish this off, and i have incorporated some elements from revolution of the daleks, but i really have picked what made sense and didn't conflict with the previous fic. fun fact: i probably love this one more?  
> title from 'better be home soon' by crowded house.

Yaz had been settling into bed, comfiest tracksuit bottoms and jumper on, book cracked open, and a cup of tea beside her when the phone rang. Accordingly, it was only because of her very great respect for Gwen Cooper, and the knowledge that Gwen wouldn’t be ringing for no reason, that she answered it at all.

“Hey, Yaz, I know it’s your week off and I’m really sorry but could you do us a favour?”

Yaz set the book down on the bed, since it really didn’t look like she’d be getting a chance tonight. Despite her annoyance, she didn’t let it show in her voice, “Yeah, alright. What’s going on?”

That’s how she found herself patrolling Sheffield at 11pm at night, armed with a basic taser (all the weaponry she’d allowed herself to bring on her trip back home to visit her parents), and her mobile phone connected with the Torchwood servers, providing her with a map that was honing in on the location of some strange energy signal. 

That was all the help that Gwen had been able to give her, but the signal really was probably nothing at all anyway. Both women had agreed about that over the phone. It was just tying it up as a loose end, a double check that there were no aliens or otherwise getting into trouble.

Following the map brought her to a twenty-four hour gym. It seemed fairly quiet up and down the street, and from within the gym, but the still bright beeping light on her phone screen kept her investigation.

Walking past the equipment and into the backrooms, she could hear a shower running. So someone _was_ here at least. One hand hovered near her taser, the other tightening around her phone. But it was probably nothing.

She continued her path, hearing the water turn off in the shower and someone’s wet footsteps coming closer towards the change room. Yaz called out, “Hello?”

No one answered, so she turned the corner and just about dropped her phone. Her eyes widened, mouth dropping open as she stared back at the woman in front of her.

Yaz’s very first instinct was that it was just another doppelgänger. Someone else with blonde hair trying to confuse her, even after all these years. The woman didn’t look back at her like a stranger though. Through her wet, blonde hair, the woman was staring back with old, familiar eyes, and Yaz felt her heart plummet through her chest, the breath rushing out of her lungs.

“Doctor?”

She didn’t respond back.

“Doctor?” Yaz repeated, stepping closer slowly. “It’s you, isn’t it? You’re not…”

_Dead_. You’re not dead. She had never been able to finish that sentence, even if deep inside she’d long began to think that was what _must_ have happened to her best friend. _She wouldn’t just abandon you and planet Earth_ , she told herself fifteen years ago. Originally that had been her justification for her deep and longing hope that the Doctor would return. Eventually, it was her justification for why she’d _never_ return.

Where did that leave them now? Something rose within her. She wanted to get angry, she wanted to yell and scream and demand answers. _Why did you leave us? Why did you leave me?_ But then the Doctor was collapsing onto a bench, heavy breaths and something like sobbing echoing in the change room, and Yaz felt tears spring into her own eyes, hot and angry and filled with regret and relief.

_(oh god oh god oh god)_

Yaz somehow found the strength to step closer to the trembling Doctor, and then the strength to sit beside her, and then she even reached forward. One part to comfort, one part to just confirm that there _was_ someone there at all, and that she hadn’t just lost all sense of reality.

The Doctor was warm under her skin, but when she flinched, Yaz reacted in turn, pulling back quickly. A dash of pain raced through her chest.

Then she realised the Doctor was saying something between breaths. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

_(oh god oh god oh god)_

It was becoming clearer and clearer that _something_ had gone wrong. That hot angry rage was still inside her chest, but she didn’t know where it should be aimed now. The Doctor looked as surprised by the meeting as Yaz was, like her plan had gone very wrong. Though, Yaz didn’t know how this ever could have been _right_. The part of her that she’d left behind aged twenty was calling out, and she had to resist all urges to wrap her arms around the Doctor. Instead, she wrapped her fingers together.

“You’re alright,” she managed out in a low voice, even though nothing about this situation felt _alright_. “It’s alright.”

The Doctor didn’t seem to believe her, and Yaz could do nothing except hold back. Resist. Let _her_ initiate, lest she scare her again. Her lips were tightly pressed together, jaw tight as she held every racing thought and emotion back until _finally_ , the Doctor raised her head and spoke.

“It was a mistake. I’ve been in prison for _too long_ and I made a mistake. I’m so sorry, Yaz-”

The Doctor stopped in her tracks, and with the curtain of hair finally moved, Yaz got her first close look at her old friend’s face. She looked… the same. There was more definition in her face, skin clinging to bones in a way they hadn’t previously. She’d obviously lost weight wherever she’d been (not that there was any for her to lose in the first place), and the Doctor’s face looked sallow, somehow even paler than she remembered, especially in contrast to the dark shadows under her eyes. Otherwise, age hadn’t done anything to the Doctor, though Yaz considered the fact that the Doctor was an alien and probably didn’t age the same way as humans. The uncertainty made her breath hitch in her throat, but then her brain caught up with the Doctor’s words.

“Prison?” she said.

The Doctor looked surprised. “The Judoon. They found me, after all that in Gloucester,” she said with a dismissive hand wave. “I managed to escape eventually.”

What was she meant to do with _that_ ? She really couldn’t yell, she couldn’t scream, she couldn’t blame. Maybe the second she saw the Doctor she knew something had kept her away, but _this_ … Yaz swallowed something thick that was forming in her throat, looking away to the floor as the force of the Doctor’s pained eyes became too much for her to handle.

“How long?” she managed out eventually.

She could see the Doctor shrug loosely. “A while.”

Yaz didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to react, didn’t know what she was feeling or what she was even _meant_ to feel. Should someone feel this angry and upset when finding out their friend was alive and not dead? The relief she knew existed deep inside her was being drowned out.

She stood up quickly, pulling her phone back out. “I better let my boss know there’s nothing wrong. Just wait here a minute,” she said, walking away. She needed distance. She needed to breathe. She needed assurance. She needed… something indecipherable.

Gwen was quick to answer the phone. “Yaz? How’s it going?”

How was it going? “I’ve found our mysterious energy signal,” she said finally.

“And?” Gwen said impatiently.

“It’s… Well, it’s the Doctor. She’s alive.”

“Sorry, _the_ Doctor? The alien Time Lord?”

“The very same.”

Gwen was quiet for a moment, before finally her voice came back over the line. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” Yaz said quickly, even though it felt like a lie. Gwen must have known, because her breathing picked up a little over the phone.

“Is she alright?”

“Mostly, I think so,” Yaz said, glancing back at the Doctor from the corner of her eye. When she noticed that she was being watched right back, she quickly turned away again. “She’s… I think she’s been through something. I’m not sure of the details yet.” She cleared her throat, pulling as much of her professional voice that she could into her next words, “I’ll keep an eye out on her, but there’s not any issue over here.”

“If you say so,” Gwen replied. She sounded disappointed. “Don’t forget to keep an eye on yourself too. I didn’t train you up to be the perfect employee for you to disappear at the sight of an old flame.”

“It was never like that.” Yaz felt something hot and angry rise inside of her, but she wasn’t even sure it was aimed at Gwen. “I’ll call back later, alright?”

She didn’t wait for a reply, hanging up the phone and turning back to the Doctor, whose eyes were still rested on her.

“Is it Detective Khan?” she asked.

Yaz smiled a little, feeling the tension between them pop just a little bit. “No, I’m not a cop anymore. Forgot you wouldn’t have known. I work for Torchwood.”

The Doctor frowned disapprovingly. “Torchwood?”

Yaz rolled her eyes, taking a seat on the bench beside the Doctor again. “Someone had to protect Earth,” she began. “That first New Years after you…”

( _after you died and we mourned and i held on to that silly little hope you were still alive for far, far too long_ )

“Well, the Daleks came back. Me, Ryan and Graham had to stop them.”

The Doctor looked impressed, and Yaz felt a warmth spreading through her, just like the old days. The things she would have done to get one more gold star or ten more points from the Doctor. “You stopped the Daleks?”

Yaz smiled a little. “Learned from the best. That’s when I met Gwen Cooper. She was running the new and improved Torchwood, only just started up again, and had been trying to stop them too. After it was all done, she offered me a job.”

“No more police officer.”

Yaz shrugged. “This felt more important. I’d been helping save worlds for over a year alongside you and the guys, I figured if you were gone, we had to step up. No one else was going to save Earth.”

Seeing the Doctor’s face fall, she found herself feeling sick with guilt. It had been a bald-faced lie anyway. Back then, she’d still believed in the Doctor. Still believed she’d come back. And when she did lose hope, just after saving Earth from the Daleks on that New Year’s Day, only then did she take on her role at Torchwood. Only then did she feel that deep, debilitating need to fill the gap left by the Doctor’s absence, and the perfect outlet for all her grief and regrets and guilt came in the form of Torchwood.

That anger from before began to drizzle away until she was only left with grief at the sight of the Doctor so much sadder and guiltier and regretful than she ever had been when she first met the alien. Back when they travelled, all she wanted was to make the Doctor smile. Genuine smiles. Genuine joy and love and emotion. So much of the Doctor had been walled up, covered behind curtains and costumes, and she’d never known how to get through them.

Though she considered now, maybe this was what was behind the Doctor all along. Maybe she was just too tired and damaged to conceal it anymore.

“You keep saying that. Stop it. You didn’t abandon us, you were taken from us. There’s a difference. Not everything’s your fault.” Anger seeped through Yaz’s words, surprising even herself. Apparently there was still a little rage left for the Doctor and what she’d been left with fifteen years ago. And a little rage for herself for never returning the favour and being the one to save the Doctor.

The Doctor didn’t say anything at first. Yaz didn’t want to push her, and was still recovering from her own outburst, heart pounding in her chest. So she stayed silent. Eventually, the Doctor spoke again, “How’d you find me then? You don’t exactly look dressed for the gym.”

“Gwen rang to say they’d found some strange energy signals in the area. Since I was already here visiting my parents, and know the area so well, she asked me to check it out. That’s who I was talking to just now.”

The Doctor seemed to hesitate with something, before finally she said, “I’m glad it was you.”

And there it was again. That beam of light was managing to sneak its way back inside her, warming her up from the inside out. “Me too,” she said, her smile feeling tight on her face. “Come on, you can come back with me.” She paused, realising the Doctor was still in just a towel. “After I find you some clothes.”

* * *

With the Doctor dressed in an unfortunately limited option from the gym’s lost and found, Yaz led her on the short walk back to her parent’s home. Neither spoke, and Yaz had the impression that maybe the Doctor was stuck in her own mind. With nothing else to offer, and too afraid to try and reach out for the Doctor again, she mimicked the Doctor’s silence.

Her dad’s snoring was the first thing she heard after unlocking the front door. She smiled a little at the familiarity. She couldn’t say she necessarily _missed_ the sound when she was in Cardiff, but she didn’t get so annoyed anymore.

She let the Doctor go first, slipping into her bedroom, Yaz following behind quietly. She hesitated a moment before shutting the door, just to make sure her parents were still asleep. No sounds out of the usual, so she closed it tight behind her, laughing a little.

“Never thought I’d be sneaking someone into my childhood bedroom. Especially not at thirty-five years old.”

The Doctor didn’t say anything to that, in fact she looked more upset than before she had spoken. Yaz sighed, heading over to the wardrobe to pull out something a bit better for the Doctor to wear. She didn’t have much left in her childhood wardrobe, and she’d only brought one pair of tracksuit bottoms and jumper for herself to wear to bed (which she still had on from her sudden Sheffield patrol). Eventually in a drawer she found some old tracksuit bottoms that didn’t fit her anymore, and an oversized jumper she’d picked up from a flea market. Pulling them out, she turned back around.

“Doctor? I know you only just got in those, but I thought you might like some proper pyjamas instead of lost-and-found’s best.”

The Doctor stood up, a hand reaching under to hold the bundle of clothes. “Thanks.”

Yaz realised that she hadn’t let go of the clothes in turn, but now it was weird. Now she had _made_ it weird. Swallowing, she continued. “And I was thinking, you’re probably pretty hungry. I can’t make too much noise, but I can make a sandwich or two.”

The Doctor nodded. “That’d be nice. Thanks, Yaz.”

“No problem at all.” She wanted to reach out for her old friend. To hold her down until she’d told her _you’re not a problem you’re not a burden you’re my friend and i love you and i missed you so much_ enough times that maybe the Doctor might finally understand it.

But the Doctor stepped backwards, clothes pulling with her, and Yaz’s hand was left with nothing to hold. “I’ll be back in a moment.”

Yaz left the room quickly after that, closing the door quickly behind her and walking straight through to the kitchen. Once there, she leant against the counter, a hand to her mouth as she held back the sob threatening to escape. Breathing deeply, she kept her eyes closed until she could feel herself calming. It had been a long night. It had been a long fifteen years.

Settled once more, she occupied herself with making sandwiche, flicking on the kettle while she did so. If she couldn’t mend the Doctor, she could at least feed her and bring some colour back to her skin. On her way back to the bedroom she carefully balanced a small plate of sandwiches in one hand, a cup of tea in the other, and a banana resting in her elbow precariously against her body.

Back in her bedroom, she managed a smile for the Doctor. It felt painful. “Here we go. Not exactly five-star dining but you have a tomato and cheese sandwich, cup of tea, and I even rustled up a banana.”

Seeing the Doctor smile back at her, Yaz’s heart flipped. “Bananas are good. Good source of potassium.” The words sounded like rote from the alien’s mouth, but Yaz didn’t question it, simply passing the Doctor the plate and banana and placing the cup down on the bedside table for her to drink once it cooled.

Yaz wasn’t sure what to do now. She wasn’t ready to sleep, and so sat beside the Doctor on the bed. She had sat on the other side of the Doctor before when they were at the gym, so she was surprised to notice a nasty lump throbbing brightly at her from the top of the Doctor’s forehead. It looked painful and she wondered if maybe she needed to get an ice pack or painkillers.

“Is your head alright?” she asked, reaching up to brush the Doctor’s hair aside for a better look. The Doctor flinched and Yaz pulled back instantly. She’d forgotten herself.

“Yeah, not too bad,” the Doctor said, taking a bite of the sandwich.

It felt like a sign to give up. Not forever, just for the night. Just until they both had a chance to rest and think things over. Yaz looked down at her lap. “You should finish eating and go to bed. I’ll sleep on the sofa.”

“I can sleep on the sofa.”

She felt a smile tug at her lips, despite everything, and managed to look up at the Doctor. “Don’t worry about it. You staged a prison escape today, I think you deserve the bed. Besides, mum and dad’ll freak if there’s a random blonde on the sofa. They’ll just assume I accidentally fell asleep there if they see me.”

The Doctor just nodded, and Yaz considered it a win. “I’ll leave you to it then.” She made sure to grab a blanket from her wardrobe before leaving the room, closing the door quietly behind her.

In the living room, she went straight for the sofa. It was almost one in the morning, and she was feeling exhaustion set in now. She shook out the blanket, wrapping herself up in it and resting her head on one of the softer decorative cushions.

_(she was alive. she was alive.)_

She had so much to do in the morning. She’d have to explain to her parents why there was a previously-believed dead alien sleeping in her bedroom. She’d have to ring Graham and Ryan to break the news to them. She’d have to speak to Gwen again. She didn’t know what it would mean for her job at Torchwood. She couldn’t just leave the Doctor here to live with her parents. Maybe Graham would let her stay with him. Maybe she’d come live with her back in Cardiff. Or maybe she’d stay here awhile longer. It was becoming clearer that she wasn’t going to be leaving the Doctor, wherever she ended up. At least now in the short term. The long term was a dark, slippery beast she didn’t want to even consider. The Doctor would want to travel again one day, surely. And she had no idea what had happened to the TARDIS.

The Doctor was acting so different too. Would that change? To see her old friend shaky and afraid and so… _weak_. There wasn’t really another word for how she was acting, even if it didn’t feel totally correct. She’d broken herself out of prison. That wasn’t a weak action, that was so strong and brave and… The Doctor. Yaz supposed she’d just need to be patient. Her friend would heal, and Yaz was determined to help her along.

* * *

The next morning, she woke up at the sound of her dad yawning loudly on his path into the kitchen. Actually, she startled him. A notorious zombie in the mornings, she had sat up at his yawn and he’d yelped in turn.

“Sorry!” she winced, pulling back her blanket and moving to sit properly on the couch.

“What on Earth are you doing out here, sweetheart?” he said through another yawn, though still managing to look concerned at Yaz.

“Long story,” she said, standing up and meeting him in the kitchen. “Is mum awake yet? I have to tell you something.”

* * *

Her parents both stared at her with equal confusion over their mugs of coffee.

“The Doctor’s alive and asleep in your bedroom right now?” her mum said through piercing eyes.

“Yeah.”

“And she’s been in prison all this time?” her dad clarified.

“I think so.”

“Poor girl,” her dad continued. Yaz sipped at her own mug of tea, waiting for what she could sense he was about to say. “I’m making pancakes.”

“Oh, Hakim,” her mum said, eyebrows furrowing.

“What?” he answered quickly, getting to his feet. “I’ll make them alien shaped too.”

While he left to get dressed so he could start breakfast, Yaz’s mum was staring at her. “How are you holding up, sweetheart?”

“I’m fine, mum,” Yaz said, rolling her eyes. “I’m thirty-five years old.”

“I just remember how when she first disappeared you were-“

“Mum! I’m fine. Promise. Look at me! I’m not a mess right now, am I?”

This got her mum to stop talking, but her eyes said enough. Yaz wasn’t sure how she was ever going to be able to prove to her just how capable she was of handling things. Her whole job was dealing with the weird and horrible, and this, despite being weird, was certainly not horrible. If anything, a friend coming back from the dead was something to _celebrate_ , not fall into grief about.

The memory of the previous night knocked at this unfounded confidence for her own emotional management, but she pushed the criticisms down. For now, in the short term, Yaz was going to help the Doctor. Just like she would do for any lost alien in her job at Torchwood. That was her focus. That would keep her going.

“I’m going to go get the Doctor. When she’s out here, can you just make sure not to be weird? No questions, please. That goes for you too, dad. Keep it light.”

“Of course, sweetheart,” her father said first.

Her mother sighed a little, before a small, teasing smile rose to her lips. “I promise not to bother your alien friend.”

“Thank you,” Yaz said to the both of them, before turning straight around and heading for her bedroom. 

She stopped at the bedroom door first, waiting to see if she’d hear any sounds of movement. It remained totally silent. Then, she knocked gently against the door and waited once more for a response. When a small, “Yeah,” finally came through, she opened it, walking in to see the Doctor sitting up in bed.

“Didn’t wake you, did I?” she asked, closing the door behind her.

“I’ve had enough sleep,” the Doctor said.

“I’ve spoken to mum and dad. They know about the alien thing now, so you don’t need to hide away.”

“You told them?”

Yaz’s lips pressed together as she grimaced, before she admitted, “I told them fifteen years ago you were an alien, about a month after I first got back. They needed some sort of explanation for why I was doing so shit, so I just told them. They’re cool with it.”

“Oh,” the Doctor replied, frowning. Yaz waited a moment, thinking the Doctor might have continued, but she didn’t, and the frown continued to grow.

“Hey, stop that,” Yaz finally said. “I can see you’re getting stuck in your head again. I _was_ going to say, dad’s making pancakes. Alien shaped, apparently, for a laugh. But his pancakes never look like anything, anyway. There’s sprinkles?”

“Pancakes are good.”

“Yeah, they are,” Yaz said, waiting for the Doctor to finally move, before leading the way to the kitchen.

She was glad that her parents didn’t act _too_ weird once they were all seated around the table. Her dad was jovial and kind, giving the Doctor an extra pancake and nodding encouragingly as she started to pour on the maple syrup. Yaz rolled her eyes at this, but at least he wasn’t struggling like her mum.

Her mum was staring straight at the Doctor, but Yaz didn’t think her mum even realised that she was doing it. Each slow bite that she took was in careful consideration of the alien before her, and Yaz wasn’t really sure how to break the ice.

Thankfully, her dad took the opportunity. “I knew you were an alien.”

The Doctor looked a little surprised by the comment. “Yes, Yaz said-”

“No, _before_. I always had my suspicions.”

“You get one conspiracy right and act like king of the world,” her mum interrupted, resisting a smile at her husband.

“Two. _Two_ conspiracies right. The spiders as well, remember?”

Her mum rolled her eyes, “Oh, yeah, of course," her mum said, exchanging a look with Yaz who was trying not to laugh at the pair of them.

It was easier when they were joking and kidding around. Yaz looked back at the Doctor who had occupied herself quite quickly with her pancakes again once the attention had moved away. She tried to catch her eye, but the Doctor was distracted pouring more maple syrup on her plate.

Once breakfast began wrapping up, Yaz excused herself to go find some more proper clothing for the Doctor. While searching through the chaotic mess of Sonya’s bedroom (had she really not wanted _any_ of this when she moved out ten years ago?), it occurred to her that maybe she needed to bite the bullet and contact the boys.

She didn’t see Graham and Ryan as often these days. They kept in touch of course, but Yaz lived in Cardiff with a very busy job, Ryan was married with two kids and also busy at work, and Graham… Well, he had his hobbies, including babysitting the two great-grandkids. The benefits of retirement, she supposed.

Yaz had no idea of _how_ they had to react, but she needed to tell them. They deserved to know, just as she did, that their friend lived on. And part of her maybe needed to tell someone else that understood how it had been to have the universe pulled out from under them, with a future of monotonous, ordinary life left in front of them with no choice in the matter.

She rang Graham first, and he picked up the phone quickly. “Hello?”

“Hey, Graham, it’s Yaz.”

“Oh, how are you, love?”

Yaz smiled, “Yeah, good, thanks Graham. I’ve got some news.”

“Is it good or bad news? Because if it’s bad I need to make a cuppa first.”

“Yeah, good news I think,” Yaz said, and she started pacing, “But maybe sit down first.”

“Yaz-”

“Please, just sit down and listen, alright? So I’m back home at the minute, right, and last night I was investigating something, and-” She could feel the story writhing away from her as it was, so she pressed her eyes shut and just said it. “The Doctor’s alive.”

There was silence.

“Graham-”

“I heard you, Yaz,” he said, and she heard him sigh.

“Well,” Yaz began, feeling a lot more nervous now than she was before. “She’s alive, and she’s okay at the moment, but she’s been through some rough stuff. Prison, maybe more. I’m not sure of the details. She’s been pretty quiet.”

“Prison? Blimey, but she’s okay?”

“She will be,” Yaz said, more hopeful than anything. “Right now she’s upset with herself for missing out on so much, but it’s pretty clear it wasn’t on purpose. She’s… adjusting.”

There was the sound of another loud breath over the phone, and Yaz winced. “Are you alright?”

“Course I am, cockle. Bit of a shock is all. I don’t know what to say.”

“Well, I was thinking… I haven’t spoken to her about it yet, but I was thinking if she wants to, maybe I could bring her by later this morning, have a catch up? I was going to ring Ryan next.”

“Yeah,” Graham said, voice still distant and confused. “Of course, absolutely bring her by, although I’ve nothing in. I’ll have to get down to Tesco and-”

She could hear his voice speeding up and quickly interrupted. “Hey Graham, it’s okay. Promise. No one will mind if you served us nothing at all.”

She could hear Graham sigh. “I just… I want to help her. Do something.”

“Yeah, I know,” she said finally. “I’ll see you later, hopefully. I still have to check with Ryan and speak with the Doctor but…”

“Completely understand either way,” Graham assured her. “I’ll see you when I see you.”

Yaz’s conversation with Ryan went much the same, if not for a little more swearing. She was glad she’d caught him when he was alone and not in front of either of his daughters, because she was sure they’d have learnt a new word or two. He’d also agreed that he’d head to Graham’s home later, if the Doctor was alright with it.

With the phone calls done, Yaz finished her search for clothing for the Doctor. Sonya had left behind a rainbow tie-dye t-shirt that made Yaz smile. Bright and obnoxious, it was the closest she’d get to something the Doctor would have picked for herself back in the day. As well, she found a plain pair of jeans that were very much not the Doctor’s sort of thing, but until they went out, options were limited.

When she eventually showed the Doctor her selection, her smile was returned, which only made Yaz want to smile even more. While the Doctor changed, Yaz waited outside, still feeling elated at the Doctor’s smile. She even felt brave enough to broach the subject of Graham and Ryan.

“So I spoke to Graham this morning,” Yaz said, waiting for any sound of response. When none followed, she continued. “I thought, if you want to, we could go for a walk over there this morning? And Ryan’ll meet us there?”

There was more silence, and Yaz was almost ready to start banging on the door, worried that something had gone wrong, but finally, the Doctor spoke. “Yeah, that’d be nice.”

Yaz waited a moment more, in case the Doctor changed her mind or gave some other sign that it would be too much too fast. That was one thing she didn’t want to do to the Doctor. Yaz was used to running head-first into everything, and now she had to slow everything she did back down. “Great, we can head out once you’re finished getting ready then,” she said with faux confidence, but instantly felt the need to slow even this down. “If that’s alright?”

* * *

On the walk to Graham’s home, neither of them said anything. The Doctor kept her head down, and Yaz didn’t know what she’d be able to say that would be of any help in that moment. In fact, her mind was racing with possibilities, all centering on whether this was a good idea or not. It wasn’t that she wanted to keep the Doctor to herself, she knew that if it were the other way around she would be desperate to see her old friend, but it had to be more than that.

_Was she pushing the Doctor?_ That was the question of the hour. Had Yaz accidentally made the Doctor feel obligated to go see Graham and Ryan, and were they now walking straight into the belly of the beast? The memory of the Doctor shaking and crying kept forcing its way to the forefront of her mind, catching her breath and leaving her with a sick feeling. She had no interest in seeing or causing another breakdown for the Doctor.

When Graham’s front door was finally in sight, Yaz, despite all her fears of pushing the Doctor, wasn’t able to stop herself rushing forward. She needed the distance and break from her own unravelling thoughts.

Graham opened the door quickly, and she managed a smile at him.

“Hello, Yaz, love,” he said, and she managed to hug him. He was always a comfort, and right now she _needed_ it. He soon pulled back though, and she saw his eyes drifting towards the Doctor. Before she could say anything, warn him back from what she could already see him about to do, he had made his way down the stairs and had pulled the Doctor into a hug.

“Hi, Graham.” The Doctor’s voice was tiny, but she was hugging Graham back and Yaz was flooded with relief. It even won out over that small bit of her that felt betrayed that Graham could hug the Doctor, but Yaz couldn’t even touch her. It was stupid and naive and immature, but she just focused on the much brighter emotion that the Doctor was _okay_.

“Hey, Doc. Been through the wringer, I hear?”

“Yeah, something like that.”

“Come in, I’ll make a cuppa. Ryan’ll be here any minute, once he gets away from those rascals I call my great-grandkids.”

Yaz met Graham at the bottom of the stairs and grabbed his arm, helping him in. The Doctor followed behind them, and soon they were all in the living room.

“I’ll get the kettle going,” Graham said.

“Let me help you, Graham,” Yaz said quickly. “I know where everything is.”

“Alright, love,” he gave in, sitting in his armchair.

Yaz needed the break, needed the solitude of the kitchen. She could still hear them talking from where she was, but it was easy enough to follow procedure and focus entirely on that. Fill the kettle. Boil the kettle. Grab out mugs and lay them out on the bench. Grab the teabags, sugar and milk. Pour the water into the mugs and finish them to each person’s preference (Graham, one sugar, no milk. Ryan, two sugars, dash of milk. The Doctor, four sugars on a good day, five on a bad day, two dashes of milk. Herself, one sugar, dash of milk.). Set them out on a tray.

With a deep breath, and tray of mugs ready to go, she finally came back into the living room.

She’d heard Ryan arrive, and smiled at him now she was in the room. “Hey, Ryan.”

“Hi, Yaz,” he replied. “How’s it been going?”

Yaz shrugged with a laugh, “Well, our best alien friend is back, so pretty good.” She looked to the Doctor on the couch, and her faux joy slipped away to genuine warmth. “Yourself?”

“Yeah, pretty good,” Ryan agreed. “And you, Gramps?”

“You know me, Ryan. Trooping along, just fine.”

Yaz finished setting everything out, placing herself beside the Doctor on the sofa.

“So what’d you do all day?” Ryan asked. “In prison, like. Unless you don’t want to talk about it,” he added quickly.

Yaz shot him a wide-eyed glare, silently shouting at him to _shut up_ , already seeing the telltale signs of stress in the alien beside her. The Doctor was fidgeting, settling, pulling in close to herself with her shoulders hunched forward, head slumped down and tightly staring at the cup of tea that she’d rested on her chest. It was like watching the Doctor fall backwards as quickly as anything, but then the Doctor was talking.

“I tried to make a routine at the start. From breakfast to lunch I’d do exercises. Stretches, push-ups, freestyle dance. Finally memorised the Nutbush. Then lunch to tea, mental exercises. Simple recreational mathematics like happy prime numbers, and incompleteness theorems. Then I’d move on to history. I chronologically organised the entire history of Earth in one afternoon, so had to move on to every other planet I knew. After tea, I’d have musical hour. Sing whatever songs I knew. Bit of air guitar. Then with lights out, I went to bed.”

The lies slipped so easily from the Doctor’s lips that had Yaz not been witness to the Doctor’s reality the previous night, maybe she would have fallen for them too, just like Ryan who had laughed. Had the Doctor always lied like this? How much of her time in the TARDIS had been spent hearing lies and distractions and subject changes that she’d never been able to fully parse out?

She liked to think that after all this time, after her years at Torchwood facing the worst and weirdest of the universe, that she would always have recognised the Doctor’s facade. Maybe she always did. Yaz remembered that questioning voice that trailed behind her constantly, and how she pressed it down, pushed it back, ran away from it, because she didn’t know how to deal with it. She’d ask questions. She’d watch the Doctor and wonder and hope and imagine a world where she would truly come clean. She’d never managed to truly get behind that wall though. It was different now.

And the Doctor was different now.

Yaz was wrong when she thought that the Doctor’s lies came easy. By the end of one of her classic rambles, she could see something falter, and the Doctor drift. Again, she wondered if the Doctor had always been like this. How much naivety could she attribute to her younger self?

There was a look in the Doctor’s eyes, distant, tired, filled with horrors and loneliness and without really thinking about it, she reached forward and grasped her hand. She didn’t know if it was the right thing to do. She didn’t know if the Doctor would pull back in fright, like the previous night. It was almost like trying to calm a terrified animal, you made too quick a movement or sound and they’d run away, or even attack. Fight or flight taking over.

But then the Doctor was looking at her with a smile, and she felt her anxieties ease, relief rising inside her. It was such a stark difference from the previous day, that Yaz felt like they’d be okay. The Doctor would be okay. Maybe not quite yet, but Yaz could be patient. She’d waited fifteen years for her best friend to return, after all.

Ryan and Graham throughout this said nothing, but she could feel their gazes, confused and concerned, resting on the Doctor. The Doctor had also noticed this, and looked away to the floor, and it was like she was starting to slip backwards.

Thinking quickly, Yaz turned to Ryan. “How are my two favourite little monsters, Ryan?”

He looked just as thankful for the distraction. “Same as always. They’ve missed you. I mentioned I’d be seeing you today and Gracie tried sneaking into the car to come with. I only realised she was there when she sneezed pulling out of the driveway.”

Yaz laughed, picturing the scene. She was a very proud _Auntie Yaz_ to the very stubborn and very kind Gracie (seven-years old), and the absolute terror in yellow wellies that was three-year old Emma. She didn’t see them as often as she liked, but maybe the Doctor would come with her next time. She could already see the Doctor sneaking them sweets or some fancy alien toy, conspiring in tricks.

But judging by the look on the Doctor’s face, that dream might be a little while off.

Graham, thankfully, took the lead in distraction this time. “Hey Doc, another biscuit?”

The Doctor planted a wide, shiny grin on her face. “Yes, please, Graham!” Yaz could only smile weakly at the sight. One day she’d see her smile for real again, but it would take time. Yaz could be patient. For now it was enough to still be holding her hand.

The conversation soon drifted now into mutually safe territory for all. Yaz multitasked her worry excellently, with disguised anxious looks in the Doctor’s direction between anecdotes of her own and comments and discussion for the other’s tales. It was reassuring to see the Doctor doing alright now, and she was determined to keep it that way. When the pressure _did_ start getting to her, she snuck away to the kitchen under the guise of making more cups of tea. Ryan followed behind her to help.

They worked in silence for the most part, Yaz again taking peace from the process. Ryan dutifully helped beside her, silent until finally, “It’s okay, you know,” he said conversationally, as he poured the boiling water into the mugs. “If you’re not alright.”

Of course he had an ulterior motive. He _hated_ tea duty. “I’m fine, Ryan,” she said, annoyance leaking into her voice.

“You haven’t told her about the other TARDIS yet, have you?”

Yaz had done a good job of pretending to forget about the nightmare ten months she’d spent inside that other TARDIS. She’d told her parents by that point about the Doctor, but it had still been easy as anything to fake an extra shift at work and stay the night, taking over the walls of the TARDIS for her own personal research and ideas, laying out all the potential ways she could find the Doctor and save her like she’d always saved them. She was still sure that her old favourite t-shirt was tucked away somewhere in that TARDIS’ depths.

She hadn’t stepped back inside that TARDIS since the second of January 2021, with the promise of a new job at Torchwood and a new city to find herself within again. Graham and Ryan had come along that last day, helping her pack everything up and clean up the TARDIS to how it was when they first took it. She didn’t know what she would have done without the boys.

She shook her head. “No. She doesn’t need to know about that.”

“Sure,” he said, shaking his head, picking up the tray of cups.

“I’ll tell her eventually,” she said. “Not now, yeah?” And she strolled back out to the living room, smiling like nothing was wrong as she sat back down beside the Doctor.

* * *

It had been a nice day, Yaz observed a few hours later as she walked alongside the Doctor on their trip home. The sun was still warm on her skin, and the Doctor seemed much lighter since their visit with Graham and Ryan. There was something almost like a _bounce_ to her feet again, such a direct contrast to the slump from their way to Graham’s just hours prior.

The Doctor’s hand slipped into her own, surprising her, and she looked over to see the Doctor wasn’t even looking at her, instead watching a flock of birds with interest.

Yaz smiled, unable to help the warmth spreading through her chest and the thrumming underneath her skin. Her conversation with Ryan still rattled away in her mind, but maybe she was right and it didn’t matter so much. The Doctor was _back_ , and for now that was all she wanted to focus on.

Back at her parent’s home, she led the Doctor out to the little balcony that was outside the kitchen. It was cooling down, but it felt like if they went inside for too long, she might lose her. Not in any permanent way, just like the Doctor needed the air beating against her face to feel truly free and safe. Yaz didn’t mind. To have the Doctor smile, and to see her feel comfortable for the first time since they’d found each other again was worth it.

“How’d you get out in the end?”

She wasn’t sure she actually wanted to ask. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to know the answer, just that she didn’t want the Doctor to close up again. When the Doctor spoke, a long moment later, she felt far more justified.

“There was an attack on the prison. Someone else was staging an escape place, someone from a lower level of security. But when they attacked the prison, they managed to lower the cell defenses in maximum security that I was able to get out. With everyone distracted, I managed to get to their secure lockup, found my sonic screwdriver and a vortex manipulator. Then I just… got out.”

She never doubted the Doctor. She wasn’t sure she _could_ , but she still said, “That’s awfully convenient.”

The Doctor shrugged. “I thought the same, but it was a long time coming. I’d spent long enough imagining all the ways I could get out. It was just a matter of creating the right sequence and a bit of luck on the day.”

Something clicked inside her, like everything she’d been basing her understanding on wasn’t entirely correct. She managed out, “How long?”

And the Doctor, with only the briefest of pauses, and as little emphasis as possible, suddenly said, “A little over a hundred years, I think.”

Yaz was stopped in her tracks, unable to move for a moment as everything settled between them.

“A hundred years,” she echoed, not sure she even believed the words. The Doctor _looked_ the same, she’d just assumed it hadn’t been as long for her as it was for Yaz. But she was an alien, that was such a _stupid_ assumption.

“Yeah,” the Doctor replied.

_(a hundred years)_

An absolutely unfathomable amount of time for Yaz to understand. Her chest ached imagining the Doctor alone in a cell for a century. And she didn’t know! The Doctor would have saved her if it was the other way round, but Yaz hadn’t done the same back and it _hurt_. 

It was like every bit of the Doctor over the past day was beginning to make more sense now.

“I’m sorry.” What else was there to say?

The Doctor however was staring at her wide eyed. “What?”

Yaz shook her head, taking a breath and said, “We still have our TARDIS here, from when we got back. If I’d known what happened, I would have found a way to find you. We could have broken you out. I’m so sorry, Doctor.” Had she given up too soon? Ten months in that TARDIS, she’d spent wanting to save the Doctor. But would she _ever_ have been able to do it?

“It wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have known.”

Yaz almost laughed. “No, you’re probably right. It was _his_. I’m still so sorry.”

They fell to silence, and Yaz stared at the balcony railing, towards the cement path that led them up to the building. Nausea was seeping through her at all the revelations, and she felt tears brimming which she quickly wiped away. _We’re having none of that,_ she told herself.

The Doctor broke the silence, her voice sounding heavy as she said, “I forgot you had a TARDIS.”

Yaz looked over to her. “Yeah.” The Doctor suddenly leapt to her feet, and Yaz pulled back in shock, blinking away heartbreak for surprise and confusion. 

“Can we go there? Now? If I have a TARDIS, that means I can get back to my TARDIS. Tonight!” 

_Tonight_. Is that all they’d have? One day together and then the Doctor would disappear (again), leaving Yaz behind on Earth (again), never knowing if the Doctor was okay or not ( _again!)_. “You just want to leave?” she said, feeling something tear open inside her. “Like that?” The words had slipped out of her before she even knew what she was saying.

The Doctor seemed to realise something, pausing her rise to look down to Yaz with the most earnest eyes, she could have cried then and there from the loss. “Oh, no. Never, Yaz. I want you to come with me.”

Oh. _Oh_.

She’d daydreamed of travelling again. She’d tried to fill that adventurous void with travels all across every continent of Earth, and she’d had Torchwood of course. But _this_ , with the Doctor. That little tear she’d felt splitting her open knitted itself up so cleanly she’d forget it was there. The Doctor still wanted to travel with her. The Doctor still wanted her.

“Leave Torchwood, leave Graham and Ryan and all my friends and family?” she clarified, but she was lightheaded. Deep, deep inside, she had her answer.

The Doctor hesitated, but finally said. “If you want to.”

_(if i want to.)_

When the Doctor first left them, and Yaz had to go on with her life on a planet that seemed so small for far too long, she’d _needed_ the Doctor. That’s what she’d think to herself. She needed her best friend back. She needed that big smile and all the running and gold stars and points and affirmations and-

She didn’t need it now. She hadn’t for a long, long time.

But, _fuck_ , if she didn’t still **want** it.

And maybe, just maybe, the Doctor might need her back. Might **want** her back. Someone had to keep an eye out for her, after all. The years had seen Yasmin Khan become a Torchwood agent more than capable of looking after herself. What better follow up to that was there than saving worlds alongside the person that still made her heart race?

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.” And she stood up, and reached a hand out. The Doctor’s hand was cooler than her own, but it fit perfectly in place. She couldn’t help but grin now, and the Doctor was smiling back and it was like every bit of her was singing with warmth and happiness.

She pulled the Doctor back into the house, going straight to her bedroom. Her things were still strewn about from when she’d first come back home, so she was throwing them in with far less precision than they were packed the first time. Now the opportunity was _right_ in front of her, it was like she wanted nothing else standing in her way. She just wanted the Doctor’s hand in hers, and a little blue box that was bigger on the inside. She’d settle for just the first.

With her parents, she couldn’t even allow herself to feel guilty with so much happiness inside her chest. She gave them large hugs, kissing each of their cheeks. She would come back, she knew she would in- “No time at all.” Strong promises, sure, but she was confident. Even if she’d miss them the same as when she would leave back for Cardiff after every visit. Instead of leaving for work though, it was for something she wasn’t even sure she could articulate with words.

They ran - actually ran - to find the old TARDIS that was abandoned on return to Earth. It took Yaz a moment to identify which one, it had been fifteen years after all, but the Doctor had been sure once they were within the same street, and once inside the Doctor was like a duck to water and they were _flying_ and _tumbling_ through space and time.

The planet where the TARDIS had been left looked the same, but neither she nor the Doctor had any eyes for its grey expanse. Instead both their eyes were drawn straight towards the little blue police box, bright in the horizon. 

The Doctor hadn’t even looked at her, only grabbed her hand tight and set them off, Yaz laughing and huffing behind her.

And the Doctor spoke to the TARDIS first. Yaz would never get in the way of that. “Hello,” the Doctor said through a smile. “I’m so sorry.” Her free hand reached forward to rest on the door. “I’m back though, promise, and Yaz’s here too. Can I come in?”

It creaked open, and a warm orange light was visible to Yaz, even where she was by the Doctor’s side, and it invited them inside.

The Doctor didn’t hesitate, so neither did Yaz. They were tumbling in, and Yaz laughed as she knocked her shoulder carrying the bag on the door, taking it as a sign to drop it as the Doctor continued forth.

It was all the same as she remembered. She didn’t think she could forget the sight of her very first alien spaceship. Golden light cascading over a rather industrial interior. Cogs and beams reaching for the ceiling. Stairs drawing them upwards, until finally they reached the TARDIS console.

She let the Doctor reacquaint herself, releasing their hand hold, but it was okay. They were together, they were here, they had everything standing before them.

“Where to, Yasmin Khan?” The Doctor asked, so much warmth and happiness in her eyes that Yaz felt full up of joy.

It didn’t take much to know her answer, but she resisted, a cheeky smile at her lips. “I was thinking… everywhere.”

**Author's Note:**

> you can find me on tumblr as 'cordeychase'. comments and kudos are always appreciated <3 thanks for reading!


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